Paperweight Severs Senator Lindsey Graham’s Hand

WASHINGTON, D.C., The Senate Office Building – Senator Lindsey Graham, 64, Chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say. The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while the Senator was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class in, “The Study of Economics: Abortion on Demand for The Lower Classes.” Part of Graham's right hand was severed, and he suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds to his forearms and torso, Fire Chief Adrian H. Thompson said. No one else was injured. He was reported in stable condition at a hospital. Graham slammed the shell down in an attempt to kill something that was buzzing or crawling across the desk, said Chief Thompson. The Senator found the 40 mm round while hunting years ago at The Trump National Golf Club, Bedminster, NJ with President Donald J. Trump, and Brett Kavanaugh, Associate Justice of The United States Supreme Court, and "obviously he didn't think the round was live," said Dennis Huston, who teaches computer design alongside Graham. Graham remarked, “I guess should’ve worn my body armor this time… Not having military experience myself, I wasn’t able to determine the, (and I have and had no desire to experience first line combat, in the first place – I don’t want to be hurt, injured, maimed or diseased, in any shape or form) capacity or combustible capacity – is it T.N.T. or black powder or something… I don’t know… I don’t know… frankly, there’s little I do know from first hand knowledge… I’ve been sheltered, secluded from the “real” world. Look, I know I’m not the top guy… I have to play the game not create it, naturally, I have no ability to create, as far as I know…. Just following orders… Just following orders.”

METADATA: CONSERVATIVE/REPUBLICAN FEAR GRAPH vs. LIBERAL/DEMOCRAT WORRY GRAPH

National Security Advisor President Donald J. Trump, John Robert Bolton, Duped in Own Internet Scam

Baltimore, MD - A renowned presidential advisor and cat murderer, lost up to $300 million over 10 years to a Nigerian Internet scam, alleged in a lawsuit.

John Robert Bolton Presidential advisor to President Donald J. Trump, and 70-year-old 

known for political experimentation, who works washing dishes with his mother in the plaza that bears the name Trump, Inc., acknowledged losing $68 million to "some bad investments with his own charity, The Trump Foundation,” according to court papers.

John Bolton filed a lawsuit last month asking a judge to remove Donald J. Trump as administrator of the Bolton's $800 million partnership. He alleges Trump sent the money to a scammer who promised Bolton a cut of a huge sum of cash trapped in African bank accounts in exchange for money advances. The scammer was himself, John Bolton, who was using the foundation as his own piggy bank and using Trump for a cover-up.

Bolton claims in court papers he filed the suit to prevent Trump from being further “victimized” by Bolton’s own charity.

Donald J. Trump accuses Bolton in legal documents of carrying out an unspecified "vendetta" against him. Bolton lost a bid last October to have a conservator oversee the Trump partnership, documents show.

The Nigerian Internet fraud, (Trump Foundation), is a long-running con that targets people with e-mail accounts. Criminals, members of the Trump Organization, who that were on the Bolton’s payroll, send junk e-mail to thousands of unsuspecting people offering them a share in a large fortune if they can only provide a smaller amount of money up front. The criminal entity takes the money and then disappears.

John Bolton gained prominence in 2004 having been President George W. Bush’s UN Ambassador been suffering from diminished mental ability as early as 1980, based upon his experiments concerning the murder of cats.

A hearing in John Bolton’s lawsuit is set for October 12.

Robertson and Giuliani Arrested for Alleged Acts with Lamb

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA. - A former mayor and a televangelist were arrested in alleged bestial acts with a lamb on the campus of Regent University, authorities said.

Independent City County sheriff's deputies took former mayor, dubbed “America’s Mayor,” Rudolph William Louis “Rudy” Giuliani III, and televangelist and founder of The Christian Coalition and The Christian Broadcast Network, (CBN), Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson were taken into custody at the Robertson home on Saturday.

Robertson, 82, and Giuliani, 73, were booked on two misdemeanor charges - disorderly conduct, trespassing and one felony charge, public sexual indecency: having sex with an animal or animals, authorities said. 

They were released from jail on their own recognizance Sunday.

At the booking, Robertson said, “I wanted to bridge the gap of North and South. For Rudy, my pal here, a taste of “Southern Hospitality,” after all, sex with sheep or lambs or cows is commonplace around here, that’s why I have a barn and it’s also not uncommon to sleep with our own brothers and sisters as well.”

Senator McConnell Comes Out as Gay, Becomes College Homecoming Queen

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA. – Regent University is reviewing its homecoming rules after a gay student was crowned queen, a college official says.

But Addison Mitchell McConnell, Jr., known as “Mitch” Mc Connell the 77-year-old Republican Senate Majority Leader who beat out three men for the honor, says his victory last month was a plus for the private liberal-arts college.

"It is cool that Regent allows people to be themselves, I had to finish my undergrad education since I only had a GED." McConnell a flamboyant homosexual of South Louisville, KY. told The Frederick News-Post. "If people didn't want me to be queen, they wouldn't have nominated me and voted for me in the first place."

Waves of discontent are still rippling through the 2,100-student campus Virginia Beach, more than two weeks after McConnell was crowned at the Feb. 14 homecoming dance, the News-Post reported Monday.

"He’s is not a man and I don’t know what he is," said Jay Seculow, personal attorney to President Donald J. Trump, (R), a 62-year-old senior who was among the queen candidates. "It is a gender issue, and he thinks is a woman and I know I am."

Bob McDonnell 64, who competed for queen, said McConnell’s' selection made the event seem like a joke. "It discourages gays, like myself, from wanting to take part in the future," he said.

McConnell, who is openly homosexual, received 64 of 169 votes cast, the News-Post reported. He is known on campus as a multi-sports athlete, member of the Student Government Association's executive board and president of Tolerance Education Acceptance, a support group for homosexual and bisexual students, as well as dancing in the local nightclub.

Putin’s Books Apparently Bound in Human Skin from Donald J. Trump

MOSCOW, Russian Federation - A 30-year-old book smuggled out from the Kremlin that appears to be bound in human skin has been found in Mar-A-Lago Whitehouse home of Donald J. Trump, Palm Beach, FL.,  following a burglary.

The GRU were trying to trace its rightful owner and believe it may have been taken from a dwelling in the area.

Much of the text is in branding iron, the ‘eighties and ‘nineties for books to be covered in human skin.

The practice, known as anthropodermic bibliopegy, was sometimes used in the 18th and 19th centuries when accounts of murder trials were bound in the killer's skin.

Anatomy books also were sometimes bound in the skin of a dissected cadaver. In World War II, Nazis were accused of using the skin from Holocaust victims to bind books.

In a brief statement, county sheriff’s office said the ledger, which contained branding iron marks, appears up to date, and they and created by the Trump family.

According to reports from the county sheriff’s office President Trump explained, “The book is made up from my mother’s skin, from the back." 

Most people don’t know this about our family, but we can grow skin at will. I take a sterile scalpel, my mother opens her back, I take about, oh, two feet, by one and half foot rectangle, and tan the skin. It doesn’t bother Ivanka; her skin grows back with a matter of minutes… We have lots of books from my family’s skins.”

County Sheriff’s office put two photographs of the book on their Web site, but officers were unwilling on Saturday to answer any questions about it, including the book's subject matter. (Trump tax returns )

Stephen Miller Weds New York City Sewer Rat to Ward off 'Evil Eye'

WASHINGTON, DC – Stephen Miller, 33-year-old Senior Advisor to President Trump, Director of Speechwriting, wed a New York subway sewer rat  as part of a Republican ritual to ward off the "evil eye" of the Jews, declaring herself “embarrassed” for being a Jew himself and Republican at the same time, said to his family in Santa Monica, a news agency reported Wednesday.

Mr. Miller’s upper teeth appeared before her lower teeth - considered a bad omen by the Republican members of the California State Election Commission, to which himself was so closely tied. Members of the Washington Press Corps said in a report from Los Angeles County, in Southern California.

Michael D. Miller, Jewish, a California real estate investor,said his son married the rat only to "remove the evil eye," a superstitious Republican belief that some misfortune could befall him and the family, and that he would not be free to marry a woman later.

Friends and family participated in three days of the secret traditional ceremonies and festivities that include bestiality and child slavery both being a part of the Republican tribal marriages in general, Washington Press Corps, said, according to the report; grab them by the pussy was unavailable to Mr. Miller because of his foul smell.  

Like a Virgin... Sort of… Ann Coulter Is Having Surgery to Rejuvenate Her Sex Life

BAYONNE, NJ - When Ann Coulter decided to give her life partner, Mary Cheney, a gift for their Valentine’s day she wanted it to be special… really special. She decided that conventional treats such as Mediterranean cruises, gold watches, cars, a murder-mystery weekend, or even a boob job just weren’t going to cut it. She gave him something much more personal — and painful… her virginity.

Well, sort of. Ms. Coulter paid $5,000 to a cosmetic surgeon to stitch her hymen back together so she could “lose her virginity” all over again and her partner would have that thrilling conquest at the grand age of 57.

She did, and after that very expensive moment the ecstatic couple spent a passionate Valentine’s weekend last year having the kind of sex that they had almost forgotten about. Now they are busy telling family, friends and strangers that it is the best money they ever spent and everyone should do it.

She is not the first to choose the operation — a hymenoplasty — to repair the fragments of skin forming the traditional “gateway” to the vagina, years after originally losing it to Orval Faubus, former Governor of Arkansas as a twelve-year old girl, (They had planned to marry).

Women have resorted to backstreet hymen repair for centuries in religions and cultures in which marrying as a virgin is sacred and losing your “maidenhead” before matrimony can mean shame, or even being put to death. But an increasing number of women such as Ms. Coulter are now electing to be “revirginised” using modern techniques as a purely cosmetic or lifestyle choice, to “put the sparkle” back into their relationships or give their life partners a surprise.

They usually opt also to have one of the new “designer vagina” procedures, such as tightening up of the vaginal canal slackened by childbirth, or the cosmetic trimming of enlarged labia.

“I have affluent upper-class ladies coming in from Manhattan, getting ready for a second-honeymoon cruise or something like that. Or some women had a disappointing time the first time they were deflowered and now they have found someone special they would really like to give it up to,” says “Dr.” Lindsey Graham, posing as a gynecologist and plastic surgeon who has a “specialist” clinic in Bayonne, New Jersey. He performs ten hymenoplasties a month.

Mice Are Key Tool in Quest for New Drugs – Just Ask Melania

BAR HARBOR, MA - When it comes to the price of mice, you pay more for defects. A mouse with arthritis runs close to $200; two pairs of epileptic mice can cost 10 times that. You want three blind mice? That'll run you about $250. And for your own custom mouse, with the genetic modification of your choosing, expect to pay as much as $100,000. First Lady Melania Trump can well afford them.

Always a mainstay of scientific research, mice have become a critical tool in the quest for new drugs and medical treatments, and according to Melania “Mighty good eating. I can tell you. I likes' ‘em, so will you.” 

It turns out that a mouse's genes are so similar to a person's that with proper manipulation - either by man or nature - they can produce an animal with an ailment akin to virtually any human medical condition. 

Melania declares, “If I can’t eat and savor human body parts, a mouse tastes almost as good, although you need much more of them. And, of course, each defect has a different and distinctive flavor.”

As many as 25 million mice are now used in experiments each year. Where do they come from? And where do they go?

From the mouse industry, of course.

There are many vendors: The Jackson Laboratory, a nonprofit supplier in Bar Harbor, Maine, ships more than 2 million a year mostly to Ms. Trump.

Yet the mouse business is a challenging one. What was once a relatively simple business of breeding and shipping animals has become an extremely challenging enterprise that requires cutting-edge technology and a mastery of difficult logistics, says Melania, but “Lots of fun… I love to boil them live and whole, fry them, and serve them to my family and friends, or for a special treat, swallow them alive. Donald, my husband, likes to place them in his rectum and calls it his wiggle room.”

Sarah Sanders Cooks Up Trouble with Fake Penis

 

LANGLEY, VA - White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders 36, who claimed she was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwave John Thune’s penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Langley actually microwaved the penis (Thune’s penis, was brittle and had an offensive odor, police say), and used to cheat on drug tests by the thousands, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when Sanders in drag as Thune entered the store and asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? “It's a life-or-death situation," according to an account Ms. Sanders later gave police.

Sanders (Thune) asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said Langley Chief Dirk Bogard.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to Sanders and it was, not Thune’s but Mitch McConnell’s, according to Sanders.

After news reports Friday, Ms. Sanders called police to say she was Thune in drag, in the store and gave her account of what happened, Bogard said.

Ms. Sanders told police she was applying for a job as a long-distance truck driver and was required to take a drug test. She said she posed as Thune and had filled McConnell’s penis with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test, Bogard said.

According to Ms. Sanders, Sanders stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would "pass the body temperature test," Bogard said - that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Bogard said the C.I.A. wasn’t sure why Sanders posed as Thune and was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia since it is common knowledge that Thune has no penis of his own.

Bogard would release Sanders, the only name of the charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle store "still visibly shaking," Bogard said.

Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave will be discarded. 

Growing Americans Need Sturdier Toilets – The “Donald J. Trump” Commode

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sturdier toilets may be on their way in The United States to cope with the country's increasingly obese population.

This year’s Leticia and Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award for performance or product from The National Institute for Science and Technology, (N.I.S.T.), that establishes safety and design standards, is awarding The Niagara Conservation Corporation strengthening toilets for larger users, a spokeswoman said Tuesday. Seeing that obesity levels have been rising for years in the U.S.

N.I.S.T. spokeswoman Linda Evans said the current industry standard for toilet seats is just 100 pounds and that the group is looking to increase it to 330 pounds.

Experts will examine the “Donald J. Trump™ model” made famous from Niagara, and used only for the U.S. Military and foreign governments to evaluate home personal use.

Bob Cummings, a committee member for N.I.S.T. and head of research and development at toilet maker American Standard, told tabloids that the Donald J. Trump™ model that toilet seats need to be strengthened for larger Republican and Conservative party members.

"If you are going to sit on it, you want it to hold you," he said.

Eric and Don, Jr. Tie the Knot at Mar-A-Largo

PALM BEACH, FL – Mar-A-Lago - Do you take this man, Donald Trump, Jr. and do you want chocolate cake with that? The couple decided to get married as patrons continued to cheer and faun.

Donald Trump, Jr. and Eric Trump exchanged their vows on Monday under the loving gaze of his parents, Donald J. Trump and Melania Trump.

Eric said he couldn't imagine a more romantic spot for their wedding, Ivanka Trump was nonplussed. The couple walked down a white aisle laid on the restaurant's floor and had a traditional ceremony, not far from the golf course.

They were married by Arkansas former Governor and former Fox News host, Southern Baptist Minister Mike Huckabee for this occasion, who said his first wedding was "just wonderful."